A love letter to my tribe…

Last year my world was ripped apart, then rearranged into the most beautiful expressions of love. I had a mixed bag and I would go as far as saying 2018 was my winter, and it was my summer…

My earth angel, affectionately known as Bra Paul, had thankfully had a beautiful entry into 2018, spending it with my mom (the other earth angel) at my brother’s house, while my nephew and I went out together. I had somehow assumed Bra Paul was finally catching a break from all the aches and pains he had been battling for a while. This was because he said he was not in that much pain when he ushered in the New Year. Therefore, I thought “New Year, Less Pain for Bra Paul”. Boy was I wrong because the worst was yet to come. Our winter was just beginning, and it would be a very icy one!

Bra Paul was hospitalised on the second day of the New Year, and went under the knife on the fourth. The operation was intense because they had to cut two of his spinal discs out since his spine was collapsing. They also needed to test the body of mass that seemed to have grown inside the collapsed discs. The tests came back positive for Myeloma cancer. That was a very hard diagnosis to swallow, especially since my parents had already lost a son to cancer when he was only 3 years old. It was obvious that the recovery period would be a long one because he first needed to heal from the spinal operation, and then start with chemotherapy only after that.

After the operation, we had a stranger for a father for about 2 weeks because while he was recovering in ICU, he lost sense of where he was or why he was there. We lived through different, daily, imaginations of what he thought his reality was. We joined him in this imaginary world for 2 weeks. At times, this experience was funny, but most times it was painful because it was evident his mind had not only suffered from the months of pain, but from the procedure done to alleviate the pain as well. The versions varied from him thinking he was in prison and the male nurse was involved in framing him for stealing meat, to him telling us how he was in hospital after being shot in the head. I remember playing along with the prison version, to the point where I agreed I had seen the meat in question (he was sure it was under his bed), had found the receipts that prove he bought the meat, and would present these as evidence to the magistrate so he could be cleared of this terrible crime. There was of course no meat under his bed, but I played along because when you questioned his version of reality he would start thinking you have lost your mind. I also participated in giving the one male nurse dirty looks while my dad was detailing how this man had framed him for a crime he did not commit. Bra Paul was the King of dirty looks when he did not take a liking to someone, so I joined in because this man had done a terrible thing to him. My father had completely lost touch with reality, BUT he never forgot our names or who we were to him. The thing that brought me the most joy in those two weeks was knowing that our relationship did not escape him.

He eventually regained his memory and as we started celebrating the return of his senses and the return of real conversations that followed a proper sequence, his health took an even worse turn. We would then live through almost 3 months of watching him suffer from even worse pain than before and wither away, almost returning to a childlike state. In the process, we all suffered emotionally, spiritually and physically. We each, withered away with him. Bra Paul was in extreme physical pain from the operation he had on his back and strangely enough, I started having serious issues with my back, around the same area he had his operation. He started losing his memory again and I watched the same thing happen to my mom where she would forget she had just watched me eat… So she would ask me, seconds later, if she should dish up for me. I watched the obvious signs of fatigue on my brother’s face. I recognised the signs because I was not sleeping, so I knew he was not sleeping either. How could we sleep when our earth angel was trying to stay in a body that was failing and rejecting him more and more each day? I had already seen how my father’s illness was taking a toll on us all, even before he went into hospital. There were weeks where Bra Paul could not walk, so my mom did a lot of heavy lifting because he needed assistance even just moving from the bed to the couch that was right next to the bed. In the moments when my mom was nursing him at home and it was getting too much for her because she was not getting enough rest, my brother would wake up extra early in the morning, drive to our house to give Bra Paul a bath before heading to work for the day. This helped my mom a great deal, because she could stay in bed a little longer and do less heavy lifting. My brother would also come back to our house after work and soak my father’s feet, rub him and pray for him. This was a beautiful expression of love, but it also caused my brother a great deal of physical and emotional exhaustion. You see, our winter actually started long before Bra Paul went into hospital.

March 23rd is when my earth angel left us. I still remember everything about that day. How I woke up early because I was starting a new project in 2 weeks’ time and was supposed to be having an informal chat with my soon-to-be new boss while the paperwork was being finalised. How I was supposed to fetch my mom from the new facility my father had moved to the previous night. How I had an appointment with my therapist to chat about coping with the daily pain of watching my father slip away from us. How my day was going to end off on a high note because I had a long overdue date with my cousin, Palesa. I had her belated birthday gift with me and had not managed to see her since the year began. It was hard to see people when my life revolved around going to the hospital and sleeping the pain off.
I never made it to the meeting with my new boss (nor did I start on the project 2 weeks later). My mom asked me to turn back when I was on my way to fetch her. It did not make sense at the time because it was raining hard yet she insisted I should not come anymore. My therapist cancelled our session while I was on my way, so another U-turn for the day. My plans were all cancelled, except for one. My cousin was still able to meet for our long overdue catch-up and I was looking forward to offloading in the presence of the calm spirit she is. She arrived with her sister and the three of us kept laughing about what a strange night we were having because we were sharing a table with strangers who were saying the oddest things throughout that night. On this night, a Friday night, I felt like I was watching the night unfold, from outside of myself. My thoughts seemed louder than usual and time seemed not to move as fast as it normally did.

My phone kept dying that night. I had charged it twice in a space of four hours, yet it still died once again. With my phone cutting the outside world out, my brother called my friend (cupcake) to find out where I was. After finding out about my whereabouts, he called on my cousin’s phone, asking me to come home. He did not (have to) say it. I knew what news I would hear when I got home. I was not wrong because the first thing I asked when I got home was if my father had passed on. My mom and my brother were sitting in the bedroom together and they both said yes. My mom said it verbally while my brother said it with his eyes. In that moment, everything that was hurting inside of me recognised that my brother was the only other person in that moment, who was feeling exactly what I was feeling. The loss of a parent. I knew that the only way to deal with my pain in that moment was to attempt numbing his with a tight embrace. The pain did not subside, but that embrace let my spirit know that I was not alone, and that we would have to carry each other through the rest of the moments in which we would miss Bra Paul. My next embrace was for my remaining earth angel, our mother, Sis B. Only after gathering some strength from my brother, could I embrace the most important person in my life. Sis B has always been our pillar of strength in everything, but in that moment, she needed us to be her pillars. I struggled with the fact that I had packed Bra Paul’s wardrobe the night before when he moved from the hospital to a stepdown facility, and now my mom was saying we needed to go there to identify his body and pack his things. I said no, because it would be too painful. However, as soon as she and my brother drove out, I realised I had made the wrong call. That my mom would look back on the moment when she went to identify her husband’s body and I would not be there to hold her hand and soothe her heart. I imagined her packing his belongings without the person who had unpacked them with her the night before. My spirit was not OK with being absent in the moments she was about to face, so I asked my cousins to drive me to the facility.

I am glad I reconsidered because those moments in my earth angel’s room were the most intimate moments the three of us experienced as a family. There was a weird sense of peace that came over us as we said goodbye to him. I watched my brother wipe my father’s face with so much love and care, much like when he used to soak and rub his feet when he was still at home with us. We were not able to touch him when he was in hospital because the slightest touch caused him great pain. Up until this moment, my acts of love had been feeding him soup on days he was in too much pain to swallow his food, and watching him smile from what I imagined were the memories that played in his mind when I played him music in his hospital room. On this night, I finally got to give him a kiss on the forehead as my final act of love.

Losing Bra Paul led to a discovery of a love greater than I knew people had for me, for us. This loss opened my eyes to just how big my tribe is! I cried more because of the love and support we received, than over losing my earth angel. My mom had always told me how loved I am and that I should treasure that. I had never really taken this to heart before, and it took losing my earth angel to realise she was right. Moms are always right!

This realisation is when my summer began, right in the middle of our coldest season.

I had friends who literally put their lives on hold that week and were with us, every step of the way, some even bringing their husbands with and having them lend a hand to my uncles and male cousins with the manly work done in preparation for the funeral. I cried when a friend rearranged his exam venue and drove from Mpumalanga to Gauteng to write, just so he could attend the funeral in the morning, and still write his exam a few hours later. I was humbled when friends who had buried family members less than three months before Bra Paul left us, showed up for the funeral. They were willing to reopen their new wounds to help me deal with my own. I was speechless when people arrived with groceries to lessen the burden of providing for those coming to pay their respects during the week. Friends showed their generosity by contributing amounts I never expected them to. My friends did not care that they had to wake up early for work during the week; they were at our house as if they lived with us. I watched how my different groups of friends merged into one and worked together as the ultimate expression of love and support for me, and for my family. I watched my friends help me bury Bra Paul as they would bury their own fathers. I could never explain how deeply this moved me, and still moves me today. My friends not only merged into one, but they became family. What is expected when a loved one passes on, is family pulls together. What happened when my loved one passed on is my family grew larger. Losing my father served as a reintroduction to what real friendship not only looks like, but also (most importantly) feels like. I have no doubts that I am blessed through the people I have in my life, who showed me so much love from the time my earth angel went into hospital. They helped bring so much warmth during an icy cold period in my life.

I recognise that everyone in my life is in it for a special purpose and that they all play a vital role, even when their parts seem small at times. I now realise there was a divine reason only one of my plans materialised the day my father passed on. God knew he was about to break my heart into a million pieces, and the only thing he could do to lessen the blow, was to gift me with the company of cousins who would help my spirit remain intact as my father’s spirit left.
We all go through different seasons in life and what 2018 taught me is your tribe determines how cold your winter is, just as much as they determine how sunny and warm your summer is. I will forever be grateful for all the summer bunnies who form part of my tribe!